Hats...

"A religion is a movement in which people find themselves; a cult is a movement in which people lose themselves.

A cult hijacks your identity and makes you into someone you aren't. A true religion should enhance and deepen your identity, to make you a better you."

This is a quote from the last post. My writing is not that great lately. Blogging is not bringing out my inner-nitpicking editor. Perhaps that is because I like some space to look back on what I've written from a distance, and this journaling style doesn't allow for it. On the other hand, guess that maybe I just won't assume that being a journalist is close to my current capabilites. So, here goes, I'll dive in!

The above quote could just as well be about losing myself in another person: a good statement about co-dependency vs. interdependency.

I admit, I have a strong streak of the co-dependent in me. Although I may seem independent, it all depends on having that one "someone" to base all my personal reference points on.
I see, as my other-half is away for a 2 week trip, that I am lapsing in to non-personality self. Or maybe another word is depression.

But it is the same for religion; if I lose my reference point of religion, I become a non-soul. I know that sounds dramatic, but it is very real to me.

Hopefully this next week or two will be a positive experience, as my coming to Judaism was.

A little history: I had been Eastern Orthodox for 5 plus years, then I began actually going to church regularly, singing in the choir, enjoying it all...and after about a year, I wanted to really get deeper--I prayed regularly as I could, using the correct books, but it didn't have a good hold on me--and so I tried a couple of times to talk to the priest, and although a very kind and moral man, he didn't really have any practical advice. (Maybe I thought he was a Rabbi? to give me day to day practical advice)...
So I decided to read the Bible, here I came upon, almost immediately (in the book of Genesis) some confusing things about giants that were possibly marrying the daughters of G-d??? And there were these Nephilim giants as well, or something else entirely. First clue that the Bible cannot stand on it's own--only much later did I find out about Talmud.
Okay, so I tell my husband, we can't figure anything out between us, and we ask the priest, and he says, "oh yes, everybody has thought up various answers to that, it's already been explored," but that's not really helpful.
Next, I am reading and everything is so gory and angry all the time, and I think, "what does this have to do with Jesus Christ--and why is G-d always punishing people? Why does someone need to be born save us from G-d, I don't agree with believing in that kind of god" Basically, I realized that the Old and New Testament are not at all alike.
I fell into a deep depression (relatively, I mean, I could go to work and talk and stuff) and life felt black and hopeless for about a five days. I had not been depressed in years, so although it this wasn't a long time, I was afraid that it could continue--it felt familiar to the depression I'd had for years as a teenager.
Then I met someone who had subscribed a particularly wild theory about the universe and the meaning of life (it involved aliens and genetics) -- and that side-tracked me for a while.
When I came to the conclusion that this particular theory was all bunk, I was feeling really completely intellectually fizzled out...I was left with going to church, and not believing in the validity of it all, since I couldn't reconcile the Bible with real life, and I find religions like Buddhism depressing, since there since there isn't any G-d in it. I mean, I was brought up atheist/existentialist, and that had depressed me no end, which is how I got involved in religion in the first place.
I had never considered Judaism as a viable religion, the general culture mainly accepting it as a precursor to Christianity (and all those booklets from the short time I'd studied with a Catholic priest, as well as the ones from evangelicals about how "Christianity is the only religion where you have a personal relationship G-d."

A couple months later I started to think about Israel and the Middle East, read up on it a little, and then "coincidentally" the whole crisis that went on in 2006 began, and I was glad of the informational background.
As I accepted my Jewish-self, for the first time I felt accepting and respecting of myself in general. I hadn't realized how much disregarding my Jewishness had affected me, but after "coincidentally" watching a documentary about Orthodox Jews, I suddenly began to feel like I understood myself, and had a right to connect to G-d.
Bit by bit started looking into Judaism, met the local Chabad family and began going to Shul.
Oh, by the way, my mother is full-blooded Jewish, though not religious, so I was immediately accepted as Jewish, as were my three children.
I didn't realized until this time that I had taken myself to be of some really lesser ilke than the rest of the world, that it wasn't good to be short and dark-haired and earthy. I am not saying I am bad-looking :) but I always felt insecure about not being blond... now I realize that the reason my mom had passed onto me these odd ideas was because of what her Jewish generation had been through--and that my grandmother had thought these same things...all of because the difficult times they had lived in. So I also suddenly felt SO connected to Hash-m!
I never felt right praying to Jesus. I would say "Jesus save me" and cross myself in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, and feel cut-off. I thought it was just lack of emotionality. Now I feel that it was my innate sense that one cannot put someone else before G-d.

At the current moment, after going back and forth in myself about this question, I have come to the understanding that for me, Jesus, may have lived, and if he did, and if some of the Gospels are correct, then he was a Teacher. But the idea of him being G-d is not clear to me. I also have some of my own theories about the necessity of there arising the religion of Christianity at the time it did--and they turned out to be the same as the Rabbi explained he had learned, so I guess I'm not so dumb...

Now I have been going to Shul, trying not to rush my kids or self into anything. But we also stopped going to the church (it was "coincidentally" such good timing for it not to be too awkward, since the priest we had known there the whole year we'd been going to this parish, as well as the one woman I was close to, transferred to another area just then).

I have a feeling I will be going back to edit this at some point soon--but I will post it, until it seems to messy, at which point I will either edit it or delete it.

Now we go to Shul weekly, I keep semi-kosher (don't buy non-kosher meat, don't serve meat and dairy together), and I for some reason decided to start dressing more modestly. I liked the idea of covering my head/hair, and for about three months I did this, until people started mistaking me for a fully-observant Jew, and it was uncomfortable. I hadn't understood this issue till it happened to me personally. I was flattered to be thought as such, but if I didn't eat kosher food at a restaurant, for example, it looked hypocrytical. Also people started talking to me in Hebrew before we were introduced, and also a few times mistook me for various local Rabbis' wives (my three young children, under the age of six, seem to have contributed to this idea, as well).

My daughter's ceramics teacher asked, "Are you Orthodox Jewish or something? Because, I was in Israel once with my Church, and I know that Orthodox women have lots of kids, I saw so many of them with lots of kids."

Anyway, as I said, I kept this up for three months, and people at work started commenting on my new hat collection...but the thing that ended it all was I realized that my husband wasn't into all this.
He had seemed interested in Judaism, a few times telling me stories of how he had identified with Jews as a child, wondering if he was related... but at some point he became less receptive, and didn't seem interested in attending the Jewish events with me and the kids-- and then one day I realized, "I'm not married to a Jewish man. It's silly for me to be keeping this rule when I am not only not married according to the laws of Israel, but he's not even Jewish."

Well, that was sort of personal for an anonymous blog. But I'll leave it in. And I'll wrap this up and get going to bed. I didn't explore the personality/codependency/religious framework thing, but it'll have to wait for a day when don't have to get up so early the next day...

Q U E S T I O N O F T H E W E E K

Hopefully it is acceptable to post this, since the link is included to the source. I have read this before, and there are a lot of questions that this answers that I am going to base my next post on:

Cult or Religion?
By Aron Moss
-----------------

Question:

I'm in Israel now and I've come across a situation that I don't know what to make of; perhaps you can help. I'm asking you because you're the only religious person I know.

Basically I bumped into an old classmate of mine. She is studying here in some Jewish seminary, and she has become religious. After speaking to her for about 5 seconds I felt that she has been brainwashed. The way she was speaking was as if she was in a cult. It was a bit scary.

I have nothing against religion, but could it be that religious Judaism is a cult?


Answer:

While it is not a cult, even Judaism can sometimes be used in ways that are disturbingly similar to how people behave in a cult.

What is the difference between a cult and a religion? Most people define the term cult so vaguely that anyone with strong opinions could be classified as a cult follower.

The best working definition I have heard is this:

A religion is a movement in which people find themselves; a cult is a movement in which people lose themselves.

A cult hijacks your identity and makes you into someone you aren't. A true religion should enhance and deepen your identity, to make you a better you.

People who find religion go through changes. They learn to explore parts to their personality that they never knew existed. As a result, they often re-evaluate themselves and their lives. All growth is accompanied by some upheaval and instability, so they may go through a short period where they seem a bit weird to their friends and family. They may even missionize a bit, and try to "convert" everyone around them. They mean well -- they just want to share their newfound inspiration with those they love. This is normal, and the family should try to be patient.

However, if they start to turn into someone else altogether, if they seem unrecognizable, then there could be cause for concern. If they lose their personality, their sense of humor, their interest in others, or their ability to think, then they may have lost themselves. If these symptoms persist, seek rabbinic advice. They may have fallen prey to a cult -- or are using a religion as a cult.

Cults demand that you jump in unquestioningly. But when you make such sudden changes, you will have to leave your self behind. This is not the Jewish way. Judaism encourages questioning, even honest skepticism. Jewish spiritual development is done gradually and with thought. That way the changes will be real, as they integrate and harmonize with your personality rather than overwhelm it.

Give your friend some time. If she is indeed brainwashed, it probably won't last -- she will jump out as quickly as she jumped in. Judaism can't be used as a cult for long. But more likely she will settle to a balanced medium, where her old self will come back again, but with a depth and direction that she never had before. Sometimes you have to lose yourself a little bit to find yourself again.


- Rabbi Aron Moss teaches Kabbalah, Talmud and practical Judaism in Sydney, Australia.

- To view this article on the Web, or to post a comment, please click here: http://www.chabad.org/166907.

What a violent dream

Last night I had a dream that I went into a church (a Catholic-type church a la "The Da Vinci Code") and was immediately attacked by a large priest who was holding a 2 foot long saber!
The rest of the dream--it seemed like forever--was me reatreating and fighting. I think I finally won, and then I awoke.

It may have been triggered by two things...
1) a confrontational event with someone the day before that had shaken up me some
2) having someone make very disparaging and critical remarks about Russian people to my face, not knowing that I am Russian, and had spent many years living there.

The person was basically being very P.C. in general, so I was not expecting a bigoted remark, and then when I interrupted to say that I and my family are Russian, the other person did not apologize--but seemed to think that the negative remark that "Russians are really nasty" was just a simple fact, not a personal prejudice.

Yes, I have heard cliches about the Russian people, but more along the lines of either "they don't have anything over there, they are so deprived" or "Russians are more spontaneous-creative and wild or possibly undisciplined"

In my mind this was discrimination/prejedice...all the things that I am afraid of in being openly Jewish. But it came out in regards to being Russian--something I didn't have any defences prepared for.

***

Next time I'll post on the issue of level of observance as it is growing. How fast is too fast?

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Growing up Without Men around...

I was thinking, what happens when females are kept separate from males from a young age--I don't think that this is healthy.
Now, one of the reason that the Orthodox (modest) side of Judaism may appeal to me is that, although I was brought up without religion, we lived far from the city, and my contact with people outside of my family was limited to a couple of times a week--this includes rare contact with children other than my two siblings...
Now, it's one thing for high school students to be separated: I've noticed that those who were attended separate-sex high schools tend to be more respectful of the opposite sex--especially the men are more respectful of women. But anything beyond that age, before or after, might be harmful, causing the females to take on more masculine characteristics than otherwise necessary.
What do you think about this?

"Strawmen"

So, I've been thinking about the last post--and I think I have an insight.

I always want somebody to take responsibility for those things that I truly would like to be my responsibility... so I set someone or something as a "strawman" to be mad at about why such and such is not being done, or why I can't do so and so--instead of figuring out for myself why I am not doing it in the first place.
It seemed to make sense as to how that related to marriage at the time I was thinking about it yesterday, and now it seems to be sort of muddled.
I guess the basic idea is that if I take on all of the housework as my responsibility, then if something truly is not possible to do, then I should work around it, and not whine to myself and others...(sigh) it seemed so much more clear earlier.

I will let this bounce around in my brain for a while and hopefully either come up with the clarity I was feeling, or come to a new insight.

Feminism?

First of all, thanks to those who are commenting on this issue of roles within a couple.
It is an important topic.

So I think I'm going to get into a little about why this is important (to me personally).

I am currently trying to define for myself what my role is as the 1/2 of a married couple.

There doesn't seem to be any role models that work that I can find. Well, except the local Rabbi-Rebbetzin seem perfect in the relatively short time I've known them.
And they are young and have kids like us, but they also are so busy with such orchestrated time and responsibilities, but would I understand if they had problems? Everything looks like lots of work+a clear support system+clear mind.
...I mean, is there time to be confused?
At the moment, these are the only healthy role models that I am aware of.
I have such respect for their positive life...

Is that what I want? A scheduled life like that? Does that fit my personality, and would it work for me?

In my own life I get so worked up trying to think: who should be doing the laundry? If I did all the laundry, would things get better? Would I have any time for myself EVER???????????????
If I did everything, would I be more calm, or more mean to my kids because I wouldn't want them to mess up the clean home?
So many questions...

Here is the Rest of Our Exchange

At Sunday, February 04, 2007 1:25:00 PM, jewish philosopher said...

I think that the basically submissive role of women is made clearest by a statement in Tanna Dbai Eliyahu Rabbah 10:5 which states that "there is no proper woman other than one who does the will of her husband". As far as the reasons for this, I am just speculating. Women do, after all, have a physical similarity to children - small stature, higher voices, lack of facial hair, bigger eyes and smaller noses, etc.

I think that in fact in all societies, including 21st century America, women have less power than men. However Judaism seems to regard this as a fact, not a problem which must somehow be corrected.

Money that a woman earns while married belongs to her husband. Money which she possessed before marriage is controlled by and used by her husband during the marriage but is returned to her after the marriage ends.

At Monday, February 05, 2007 3:46:00 PM, FemaleJewishBlogger said...

Hello,
Here is an article on the Aish website that gives some nice descriptions of the Jewish view of Men and Women
If you have the time or interest, it's worth a read.
I am still trying to define for myself what just does not feel "right" about using the word childish about women. Probably because it gives a feeling of being less than--and I don't think anywhere the Torah regards women as less than men, although most definitely different! Again, enjoying reading the blog...

At Tuesday, February 06, 2007 8:34:00 AM, jewish philosopher said...

Women are certainly not children. Women are fully responsible for their behavior, while children are not. However there does seem to be a child like side to women. For example, the Otzar HaMidrashim under the heading “lolam” section 5 states “A desire, a woman and a baby should always be pushed away with the left hand and pulled closer with the right hand.” The difference between American and Orthodox Jewish society seems to be that Americans believe that this difference is a problem which must be corrected, while men hypocritically go about beating, raping and abandoning women. In OJ, this characteristic is accepted as a natural fact however women are treated generally with great respect.

As far as being inferior to men, the Talmud and Bible never actually say that. Women bring new children into the world. Women are certainly far better at dealing with infants than men. They also seem to have some “woman’s intuition” and women are better judges of character than men, according to the Talmud. Some women are certainly far wiser than some men. Children must love and fear their mothers as well as fathers. The last chapter of Proverbs is King Solomon’s praise of his mother.

Just by the way, this blog is apology free. I try to write only the truth, and if that is politically incorrect or distasteful to some, so be it.

At Tuesday, February 06, 2007 2:23:00 PM, FemaleJewishBlogger said...

Hello again. I am glad that this blog is "apology free." This whole issue of the roles of man and women is something that I am struggling with in my own life. The latest comment you left gave me some insipiration in the direction of the word "vulnerable"--I feel that one of women's greatest strengths (and joys) is the ability to be vulnerable, and then there is a place for the true strength of a woman to arise: the love and giving and clarity of insight.
If a woman is forced to, by situation, be hard and self-protecting all of the time, she can become an empty shell--moving on automan, and bringing joy to noone... I am going to leave this comment-trail at that. Thank you for the correspondence. I do think that when the honest opinions of two people are expressed, then the weak edges of either opinion are worn off and are more likely to become closer to truth. Shalom!

Jewish view of Men and Women

I am trying to define my views for myself and also for the peace in my own family, since my husband was brought up in a very patriarchal society--so it's worth it to me to be clear in my own heart and mind on this issue of the male/female. What follows if my response to J.P.'s response to my comment:

Here is an article on the Aish website that gives some nice descriptions of Jewish view of Men and Women
If you have the time or interest, it's worth a read.
I am still trying to define for myself what just does not feel "right" about using the word childish about women. Probably because it gives a feeling of being less than--and I don't think anywhere the Torah regards women as less than men, although most definitely different! Again, enjoying reading the blog...

Comment to be commented on by readers!

This is in regards to a comment I left on the blog of Jewish Philosopher

First of all, please check out the original post here. The part that is relevant is the last pharagraph.

What follows is my comment:

Hello, I am enjoying your site, and am relatively new to the blogger world. Especially the Jewish blogger world. I would have to take issue though with this idea that women are "childish"
From what I understand about the Torah perspective, the issue is not childish/adult but logical/emotional.

In regards to the following points:
A woman may not be a judge.
A woman may not be a witness.

A person who is logical may be rational or irrational, as well as a person who is emotional may be rational or irrational--but women and men (to my understanding) are meant to each hold one of these two positions. So a woman should be "understanding" of a person who does wrong, and the man should give clear "judgement" according to halachah about the deeds a person has commited. This is in no way judging the person, but just clearly separating out the deeds.

When a woman marries, any money she earns belongs to her husband.
If understand rightly, the money does not belong to her husband, but to her, and she would receive it all back in case of divorce, but she has given it over to his "stewardship". This does not mean that he can do what he pleases, but he is taking on the responsibility of investing it--and of course consulting with her as he would for other family issues.
When a woman marries she may not use her own property, which she owned before the marriage, without her husband's permission.
this I am unsure about.

A daughters inherit nothing if there are sons.
(The point is that virtual all property in the Jewish community is controlled by men.)
First of all, the fact that it is, does not mean that this is the way it should be. We are not perfect, yet... :)
Also, I don't know if this would be an answer, but if you look at the "woman of valour" there are references to women doing business activities (controlling property).

I think Judaism considers women to be on the average slightly more childish and emotional than men and therefore in most cases it is preferable for men to make important decisions.
Women make and have made decisions biblically, but women are not supposed to make Halachic decisions, due to the point mentioned previously about emotional/logical aspects of women and men.
Also, science experiments (of course this can be questioned as to the validity of the studies done) have shown that women do well in the emotional+logical mode, while men are better at and often use their emotional and logical modes separately...which would possibly mean that a man is better at things like fighting and legal decision making on a continuous basis--while a woman might find her expertise better used in a situation where children are being raised, due to the constant patience and forgivness that are required (as well as very important decision making on a moment to moment basis--since a child's life is made up of all these small details and that is what their eventual character and outlook on life is shaped by).
So the male/female roles are not defined by what they can and can't do, but by what role best uses their various strengths.
I would be very interested in your response, as well as the response of other individuals in the Jewish blogging sphere. With peace,

The Rebbe--Moshiach?

This is a very interesting forum thread from www.frumteens.com. It discussed the point of the "is the Rebbe the Moshiach or not" issue that I was wondering about. Not if he was or not, but if all from Chabad actually believe it or not. From what I can gather.. I'm still reading, not all believe this to be true--in fact not many. Hopefully this is so, since I go to a Chabad house shul and spend much time with the Rabbi ,Rebbetzin and family. They are very nice.

Quotes from the Chabad.org site that I liked today

“If I am I because I am I, and you are you because you are you, than I am I and you are you. But if I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I, then I am not I and you are not you.”
—Reb Mendel of Kotzk

“If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.”

“The one who uses the loudest voice usually has the weakest argument.”

“The display of status-symbols is a result of low self-esteem. The self-confident person projects a modest image.”

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

“Only the strongest of men are gentle.”

Where am I?

From a recent stream-of-conciousness:
I am in the middle of a change, as always. but I'd probably say the end of the beginning of the change that I am making, and the beginning of everything.
Yes, I am married and have three kids, but that is such an easy way to identify me.
It brings up notions of laundry and school, and rushing out the door with a snack half-packed for my oldest daughter who is in Kindergarten. It brings up visions of me at work, taking a break from my family life, and moving towards the end of the day, when I rush to go pick everyone up and go home with them--so we can all eat dinner as a family.
Yes, that is all me: but then there is me as a woman.
I finally am beginning to trust myself and my own judgement, finally making plans on my own judgement, not waiting for my husband to give us a direction when he doesn't find one himself.
There is much I could say: my fear that my trip back towards my Jewish roots--I am hauling my whole family along with me...
but we are all going one way--like a barge--I am hauling them over my shoulder.
...I want to relax and let us float--but I know that we are not in the current yet.
...We might get scattered and lost--going in different directions.
I am waiting for the strong current, the strong movement that will carry us through to the end.
I am waiting for that strong tide to catch us up in its wake and bring us eventually to shore.
I don't know how I'll know for sure that we are in the strong current, but I know for sure that I am finally moving in the right direction for my family, including me. Thanks for the opportunity to write.
Jan 20, 2007

Hebrew name

I've been thinking of taking on this Hebrew name.
Following is the kabalarian numerological calculated effect, if that means anything:

• Although the name Ahava creates the urge to be self-expressive and happy, we emphasize that without overall harmony with a balanced last name, it can cause intolerance and impatience.
  
• This name, when combined with an unbalanced last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the liver and bloodstream, worry, and mental tension.

The name of Ahava creates a happy, versatile, and expressive nature, with good business judgment and a fine sense of responsibility, which should enable you to establish congenial relationships in positions of trust where you are dealing with the public.

• You have a clever, quick mind, with the ability to accomplish a great deal in a short period of time, although it is not easy for you to systematize your efforts.
  
• This name could allow expression along musical and artistic lines and gives you the desire to entertain and to meet and mix with people of refinement and culture.

Extended Description of this Name

It also brings out your love of home and family, and in close association you are able to show understanding and affection. Others are attracted by your generosity and your consideration of their interests. Although this name is well balanced, if it is combined with a surname that is not harmonious, you would tend to worry and find it difficult to organize your efforts.

Health Weaknesses of this Name

Also, should you over-indulge in sweet, rich foods you could experience skin or liver problems.

Am I Jewish?

I am Jewish.
This is a blog to help me get used to the fact, and proud of it!
I suppose I am looking for a place to get used to myself. I am truly proud of myself and the fact that I am Jewish. I am also afraid of this. Of the antisemitism.
What a bunch of junk is in my mind. But if being Jewish is so easy, why have Jews been persecuted throughout time. And can I respect myself if I am not willing to be persecuted for my beliefs?
As a child, I identified with Judaism only through information about the holocaust. I thought I was "half-Jewish" because my mother was Jewish. I didn't know I could just be...
I am sad that my life was so unreligious. I didn't even think to begin believing in God till I was 18, and even then it was a long hard journey.

Hopefully I can meet some people online in the blog community who would give feedback on what it's like to grow up in this day and age knowing that you're Jewish, and being a part of the culture.

Hi everybody!